Wisdom in choosing a companion for a long-term relationship from William Blomfield's blog

If you are a social butterfly, you will find it difficult to be with someone who is a homebody. If you are a homebody, you will find it difficult to spend time with someone who is a social butterfly.

1. Choose a man as if you were blind. Close your eyes and feel what you think about this person. About its kindness, loyalty, discernment, loyalty, its ability to take care of you and take care of itself as an independent being. Although our cultural background influences many things and what we see with our outward gaze is very important, much more important is what we see and perceive with our inner gaze, when our eyes are closed.

2. There is one major difference between a person who is capable of being a partner for a long time and one who is capable of being a partner only for a short time. And that hallmark is the ability to learn. There is a Spanish saying that "he who is incapable of learning is the most intolerant. Whoever is unable to learn to see things in a new way, whoever is unable to see things in a new light, whoever is not curious about the world and about how it works, about how people work, very often closes down and says "no, it can only be this way or that way". For a long-term relationship https://cheatingbuster.com/, it is best to choose someone who is able to be open. Not always open, of course. But with someone who can both open and close, open and close again, gradually learning and evolving.

3. Choose someone who wants to be like you: strong and sensitive (tender) at the same time. The qualities that sometimes characterize women are strength and fragility. The power that a tree has. It may be struck by a strong wind, but because of its flexibility it will move with the wind. If it doesn't bend, it will break. Sensitivity refers to the capacity to be alive and to perceive what is going on around you. Some people need a little help with that. But more often than not, in their mind or even deep down inside, people are already like that - awakened and alive, they just have difficulty expressing it. And that's why point two is so important again - the ability to learn. You may have great potential to be kind and loving and faithful and the best lover mankind has ever known, but if you don't develop that potential, there is nothing.

4. Choose someone who shows he is hurt if you hurt him. And also the other way around. Choose someone who, having hurt you, also sees your pain and is sorry for it. That's very important. There are many ways that people express their pain-some withdraw into themselves at the slightest problem. Especially extroverted people are very annoyed when their partner closes in on himself, but you have to understand that this is just a way of expressing pain, and as long as the man is ready to do something and gradually come out of this state in some reasonable time - then everything will be fine. What should be a real concern is not reacting when you have acted unkindly or inappropriately toward your partner. This indicates that either there is something wrong with this person's feelings function or that he has already abandoned you and put an end to your relationship and that he will no longer allow himself to be alive and present in your presence. Because many of us go through different relationships before we find someone we want to be with for the rest of our lives, many of us are already traumatized by previous relationships that start out with high expectations and end in disappointment. So it's very likely to meet someone who has already been traumatized by previous negative relationship experiences to some degree. And because of this, the ability to show your pain and the ability to feel someone else's pain is so important. In the nature of relat,ionships one cannot do without periods when people create tension or even hurt each other. This cannot be completely avoided. But it doesn't have to be a constant hitting the same sore spot over and over again. In previous relationships, people sometimes accumulate a lot of anger that hasn't had a chance to manifest and sometimes their need to hurt or inflict pain on a new partner can be heightened. But they should be able to stop themselves when they see that it hurts the other person.

5. Choose someone who has an inner life of their own. Whether it's wood carving, herbaria, writing, religion, meditation, or whatever they like to do. Choose those who go their own way and see you as a partner and companion on this journey. These people have the ability to connect with others, but still remain separate, and this is a very important quality. Relationships have their own cycles and rhythms and there are times in a relationship when you need to connect with the other as one and there are times when you need to be away from each other, and the connection that exists between you may stretch over time and any distance, but it shouldn't completely break down. It's the right kind of relationship. A relationship, on the other hand, in which the connection falls apart on every occasion or in which there is no connection and no rhythm match is not something to strive for.

6. Choose someone who shares your hobbies. Relationships to create shared memories. It's like a savings account. You do something together, it remains in your memory and becomes the glue which connects you. You're pulling out those memories to remember happy moments. And if you don't have those good memories, it's going to be very difficult to get through difficult times together. Of course any relationship is built on mutual support, but everyone is still doing their own thing in their own world, that's why it's so important to have some very simple things in common and it should be more than brushing your teeth together in the morning.

7. Choose someone who shares your values. In terms of children, number of family members, gender roles, money, religion, etc. etc. As you can see, this is the ideal case. In reality, it is unlikely that people can be completely the same on absolutely all counts. Not always and not in everything and certainly not at the beginning of a relationship. But you can always see where the relationship is headed. Shared values reduce tensions that arise during the development of a relationship. And issues of shared values should preferably be discussed before entering into a long-term relationship. Although we want the magical emotions of romance and eroticism in a relationship, we have to be pragmatic about it as well.With a pragmatic approach, it's much easier to get through difficult moments.

8. Choose someone who is able to empathize. Someone who is willing and able to listen. Someone who is equally willing to spend his time with you. Especially if you are an easily excitable person, and your partner is not as excitable as you are, then gradually his calm rhythm will be transmitted to you, and you will benefit from it. Similarly, on the contrary a relaxed partner when interacting with a faster one will also speed up at some moments and this will lead to overall harmony and establishment of rhythm, between the two. According to the author's observations, this rhythm within the couple evens out after about 9 years of life together. Everything takes time.

9. Choose someone who can laugh at himself. The value is not only that the partner can laugh at himself or herself. But also that you can laugh at yourself or at a joke, even during the heat of an argument during a conflict. The important thing here is the interaction and how exactly you feel around the person even when you're fighting. To be able to laugh at yourself at a time like this is a real gift. But even if, for example, your partner is not very fond of jokes, then pay attention to how much he can stop a heated argument in the most difficult moment. It takes practice because there is something in all of us that at the moment of an argument tends to bring the whole relationship to naught and you need to be able to resist it. This is a very important skill. And it's good if your partner has this quality. If not, go back to #2 (the ability to learn). And you yourself should also have the ability to stop yourself in the heat of the argument, to apologize, or to say to yourself "well okay, let's assume that I was wrong, but I'll apologize later when I calm down". You yourself should also be able to do it.

10. The ability to "sweep." some disadvantages and characteristics. Those qualities (little shortcomings) that once attracted us to a partner will later become the most annoying for us. Remembering her first marriage, Dr. Estes says that her ex-husband had a habit of rattling the change in his pocket, which she found simply charming, but two years later the same habit has lost all its charm and became associated with a bell on the neck of a cow :)) In general, know in advance what you can put up with and what you can not. And don't let yourself be seduced into thinking that what seems annoying to others is actually cute just because HE or SHE has this habit. If it's some grandiose annoying habit or serious flaw, don't be seduced-it will never get cute. For example, alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, illegal activity, and anything that takes a person away from himself, from the life of his soul are absolutely unbearable for any relationship, whether it is a marriage or a business partnership. The person who cannot tell the truth or repent, the person who cannot admit his/her mistake and tries to hide it in a very artful way or to hide it instead puts the relationship on very shaky ground.

11. You have to no only love each other, but also be friends. whether you want to do for your partner what you do for your friend, i.e. whether you want to sit and listen to him, whether you're willing to talk about what he wants to talk about, do what he wants to do. It doesn't mean that you have to satisfy absolutely all of his demand,s and needs. Of course they shouldn't. But on a regular basis and to a greater or lesser extent, yes, definitely. And when you think about what you're willing to do for your friends and how willing you are to do it for the person you love, that clarifies a lot.

12. Perhaps the most important quality that follows logically from the previous ones. Make sure that the one you choose is making your life more, not less (better, not worse). This will tell you everything you need to know.

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By William Blomfield
Added Jan 3 '23



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